My best friend took this picture of me. She said it was nice. I think it sums me up well. Colorful and cozy scarf and uncomfortable with a camera pointing at me. Not because I have issues with cameras but because I dislike being the center of attention. As much as I dislike it I seem to end up there though. Because I seem to end up in charge. I’m a see things that need to be done and figure out a way to do them. I am a natural leader which really just means I don’t mind telling other people what to do. I would much rather be like the Wizard of Oz pulling strings behind the curtain but I seem to be in front of the curtain much more.
So as uncomfortable as it makes me I have decided it is ok. This is a big step for me. It means that I can be not just a natural leader, but a good leader. I have struggled with the responsibility of a coven. I have struggled with leading a group of very special and wonderful people who look to me to create something wonderful and magical for them. I have struggled and stressed over creating the right ritual and experience for each one of them only to hear things later about how this or that was not good for them. Silly I know. I know you cannot please everyone all the time but it still hurt my feelings. I have struggled with the last-minute phone calls of “I want to do this” and then trying to work what ever this is into the plan that I had been working on for weeks. Mostly I have struggled with feeling like I was not doing a good enough job to provide them with the deep spiritual experience that they have been craving.
Do not get me wrong. It has been a great year for me and my coven. We have grown both in number and in-depth. We have all worked hard and created a rare find of a truly wonderful and supportive community. We like each other and as far as I know everyone get along. I think everyone is heard and I think everyone feels an ownership. This issues are just my issues. They are just about me.
And then I realized.
I am not really a creator or a provider. I am a connector.
I connect people to the things, the people, or the Devine they seek.
I do not need to reinvent any wheels I can simply help them find the right wheel for them. As funny as this sounds it has been a relief and an eye opener. I don’t need to feel like I need to know everything I just need to know someone who knows what I need to know.
I am very excited for a new year where I can go back to sharing things, or people who are wonderful instead of feeling like I need to figure everything out 🙂