This year started out with me looking around and thinking wow I really love my life…mostly. I think we all have that push in us that makes our quest for perfection unending. I actually don’t think that this quest is a bad thing, as long as it is in the context of quest. Something to strive for but not something that you should expect to accomplish or feel bad that maybe it is not reached. There is a saying shoot for the moon and even if you miss you still and among the stars.
What I am finding out about me is that sometimes I find my self involved in something and it surprises me. This is a silly thing for someone rather obsessed with planning like I am. I think that I enter things thinking oh I have to take care of this or I am just doing this right now. I don’t really think of it and then all of a sudden right now turns in to long term.
Recently I “discovered” that I was my mothers care giver. This is not something I have written about much because well for one mom reads my blog 🙂 and it is been something that l have been processing. So mom I love you and I think your great!
Last July I got this horrible phone call. It was a voice mail because I was changing a diaper and couldn’t get to the phone. It was my dad and he sounded odd. The voice mail said something like “something happened with mom, they called me at the gym. Don’t call me, I’m headed home and they are going to call me with more details. I will call you back” This is not a good voice mail to get. not at all. He called me back and said mom is being air lifted and I said ok your home it takes 20 min to get to my house I will be packed and ready to go by the time you get here. That moment everything was different. We didn’t know in what way yet but the change had already happened.
Clearly we were wondering would she live. She was flown from the first hospital to UCSF and we got to talk to the doctors. We as a family had to decided and give the ok to have them preform a life saving craniotomy. After we waited for her to wake up, and then we started the recovery process. Through all of this I was pretty much in fight or flight crisis mode. This of course makes sense since it was literally life or death. Months later I’m still in the same place. I am responding to things that come up in a reactionary manner sometimes boarder panic. like little mini heart attacks when my mom says things like “no I don’t remember my surgery but I must of had one cuz I can feel my scar” To be fair this type of memory laps doesn’t happen that frequently but they do happen. And every time I am scared and a little bit at a loss of what to do.
After the last one we had a family meeting. We also reached out to others (particularly a local stroke support) and made somewhat of a plan for what to do next time. To be honest as much as I hate the idea, I know there will be a next time. This is our normal for now and I have gotten to a place where I feel ok about it. I am so thankful that I live close to my mom, so that I can take care of things that need to be taken care of. I am so blessed to be near her when she needs me and just to be able to spend time with her. We are all very lucky that she has recovered as well as she has; which is much better then a lot of people with her experience.
But there is still the stress. The stress and the time that for some reason (hopping it will just go away and everything will be normal again) I have not planed into my days. What I have realized about my self and Life is that while surprises always come up you can plan for them. That is why as kids we had earthquake drills and as a family we have a meet in this part of the st if the house catches fire plan. You can step back look at your life and ask how do I want to live my life, taking in the parameters of the things I cannot control? What do I want my life to look like or feel like to be like? Then you can start making the changes or shifting focus to honor those wants.
For me I want my life to be full of love and peace and joy. Of course I have circumstances I can’t control but I can control how I look at them and I can make changes to make my home peaceful and joyfully. We can live an intentional life.
What do you want out of life? have you made shifts to make it happen?