photo credit: Patty Maher via photopin cc
I don’t know what I “should” write about today so I hope you will indulge me in just speaking from the heart about what is going on in my life.
I am feeling at times a bit frustrated and overwhelmed. I am feeling less than untalented and just plain icky. Then I feel bad for feeling those things as I really do have a wonderful life. I greatly dislike being cranky.
I feel like it is time for a scheduled overhaul. I am so tired and finally coming to terms with all o the hats I wear. I have pretended for a very long time that I was a stay at home mom and wife. That is what I think of myself as anyway. But no I am not. I am a caregiver to my mom. The one who is not only there to pick up the pieces of an episode but also the one that tries to plot out how to navigate through our new reality. It can be frustrating and time-consuming but it is worth it really. I am glad I am able to be here in this way and offer whatever talents I may have. It is a new role and I guess I have been pretending it wasn’t happening. On top of that with the new reality of moms health I also find myself needed back in the office. She handled so much of the family business and it is mind-boggling to try to keep up and figure it all out.
Meanwhile little is not pleased that mom is not around all the time. It has thrown off our rhythm so it is time to find a new one. That is kind of what life is right adjusting to where it takes you and trying hard to make sure nothing gets lost in the cracks.
Don’t get me wrong I really like a lot of my hats. I like I can be here for mom. I love being a mom, which doesn’t make it any easier lol. I am finally embracing my role in my coven and I enjoy that immensely. I have also found that my channaling has kicked in threefold. I often wonder if I was given that gift because I have a loud mouth lol. I mean who doesn’t want to text someone in the morning with “I have received a message for you and it is….” the wooo wooo crazy stuff has kicked up a few notches now that I am letting it and some of it has been trying but educational and most of it is very good.
Mostly I am trying to be in the now and be calm. If I can manage those two things I can manage anything!
I was caregiver when my mom was dying. It’s not fun. I’ll light a candle for you.
Hugs!
Thank you
I think that is why the flame shift you post has been so meaningful to me. I can only imagine what it would be like to care for a parent that was dying. She was so lucky to have you!
Sometimes we need to get some hat boxes and put the hats in them and store them for a bit until we are ready for the occasion to wear them. I’ve been through a variation of what you are talking about and it contributed to my breakdown. Be careful.
While I have some experience with the hats you are juggling, I know I do not have YOUR experience. No one can, even those who live with you will meet this in their own realm and not know yours.
My girlfriend cared for her mom at home for 8 months, and when the (family and energy) cost was so great that she decided it couldn’t be in her home anymore she was comforted by the knowledge that she had given Every Single Effort that she had to the task.
I have cared for my Mom in our home, I also sat with, replaced feeding tubes for, suctioned airway and treach tube of another loved one for a year in an acute care setting. When it came time for me to earn more money I felt conflicted by the choice to leave some of the long hours by his side to others, but less than I would have if I hadn’t been there for that year.
Right now Mom has improved and is living “independently” of my roof, and she sadly feels that she is independent when actually she is QUITE unable to get along alone. She is really pretending this isn’t happening. She will need to make some decisions about changes soon or have them made for her. In this little lull of no crisis I seem to be the only one with a feeling of urgency to steer the ship. I know how even a non-crisis day can suck at you and distract you from the other hats you want to wear.
I have a point… umm, oh yes!
None of it is permanent.
Making a decision is always a step and can always be changed later.
If you follow your instincts (like mine to sit bedside or have Mom go back to her home for a while or my friend’s to provide bedside care at home) then you have a chance at being at peace with yourself as you find it is time to make a new care decision.
Most important- the list of hats has to include you. Sometimes you have to put all the other hats down and JUST turn off all the bells and hide all the lists so you can decompress. To pretend THAT isn’t happening will bring down the whole hat shop!
Deal them out. Hire people to wear the hats, even the “Have fun with my child” hat can be shared now and then. I was stunned to find that one of my friends hired a babysitter to arrive 2 hours before she left for events so she cold get ready in peace! Brilliant! She paid someone to wear her hat to take care of herself. I would NEVER have thought that up myself.
Little will not be ruined by a period of stress in your life or SOME focus on work or elders. Children seem to remember “she never made time for playing” but not “she sometimes had priorities that I had to adapt to”.
Don’t I sound smart when it comes to other people’s situations? I really just wanted to reach out and put my hand on your shoulder and say “I know. You can get through this. You are allowed to make unpopular choices and parce out your attention for a while.”
G
you do sound very smart! and very wise too!
*hugs*
Unfortunately, I have nothing inspiring to say since I’ve had 6 children between the ages of 6 months and 6 years in my apartment all afternoon, and now that I have my first moment of silence (the last 2 just went home), my brain is utterly empty.
But I can offer virtual hugs.
I shall take it! thank you and how wonderful and crazy to have all those children there!